good news is an understatement

So at 3:45 today, I was pretty low, I had just left the pharmacy where the doctor had not called in a prescription for me, which meant I would spend the weekend in tremendous pain. I had fainted in the bathroom of the movie theatre where I had just gone and seen a movie, Half Nelson (which was great btw, I fully recommend it) and had not realized how sick or how much recovery I had still to do from my biopsy this past wednesday. (If you know my mother and read this journal in honor of me having shared this link with you, I implore you not to tell her about the fainting spell, it was over quickly, and my mom already is beside herself with worry and tormenting herself needlessly because she isn't down here in the city to take care of me. At least with the accident and the wheelchair I was at home, though I secretly suspect it was worse to see her invalid son daily.)

I left the pharmacy dark, depressed and resolved to just type one sentence in my journal: "I am so tired of my constant pain."

I have a weird thing about being sick I am constantly trying to convince myself I am not sick, whether it be the flu or something bigger like this, that I am a hypochondriac just attempting to make normal body aches and pains into something bigger and more dramatic. Because that just means I am delusional and not that my body is constantly betraying me, that my narrative is and will continue to be one of sickliness. Sometimes it works to convince yourself the pain isnt there. at least for an hour or two. Mostly it doesnt, you end up exhausting yourself and making you less able to deal with the pain you do have.

At 5:15 slumped in a park attempting to shield myself from the blustery wind I got a call. It was my doctor, she had my biopsy results and apologized for not getting to me sooner. She is the clinic manager who just happened to see me the day I came in to complain about my side pain, (something obviously divinely guided) I don't think anyone else at the clinic would've been able to do as much as this angel has done for me.

She said the biopsy came back negative.

It was benign.

I don't have cancer.

I don't have lymphoma.

I have what is called a ganglioneuroma

I essentially need to have surgery to have it removed, and then I will be okay.

Everyone asked me if I was scared. I said no, and most looked at me as if i was in denail or being intentionally blase. But like I told them, God has taken me this far, through Dad's death, through junior rheumatoid arthritis, through ulcerative colitis, through a vicious car accident and six months of a wheelchair, and now He's brought me through this. I am not saying it was easy. It wasn't. At all. And I know it's not done, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. An end to the pain. And He brought me through.

And mostly that was through the thoughts, the prayers, the well wishes, the concerns, the phone calls, the e-mails, the hugs, the talks at the beach, the intentionally preoccupying of my mind especially on the bad days; i made it through because of all of you.

A bit maudlin and sappy I know, but 'm happy and relieved.

Peace.